Being a working mom can be so hard. I am not saying it is harder than being a stay at home mom by any means, I am just talking about being a working mom here. After I had my youngest, Sawyer, I had a really hard time going back to work. Harder than with the previous kids. My husband gave me a hard time, joking that Sawyer was the favorite. But really, I think it was because I had two older kids, and knew better than ever how extremely fast these days of having a sweet little baby go. They grow so painfully fast. I shed a lot of tears over going back to work. It always feels like I come home and she is already so much bigger. It can be hard to leave the older kids too, but let’s be honest… it gets easier when they can talk back and argue with you.
I had always imagined that I would end up being a stay at home mom. Life didn’t play out that way. After my first husband and I split up, God provided me with a great job at Lowe’s Distribution Center, where I started out as a team member and worked my way up to an Operations Coach. This was such a blessing and answer to my prayers. I was able to support my kids while I was a single mom, and help my husband do so once we got married. The desire to stay home never left, but I also quit thinking about it…until I had baby number 3. But I still knew it couldn’t happen. There was no way! We had just bought a house, we had three kids, a target addiction, and all the bills that add up with living life.
My husband and I have often talked about how he wanted that for me for a lot of reasons, a big one being that deep down he knew I wanted it. We would think and talk and pray. I knew that it was a deep desire of my heart but I was afraid to believe for it. I kept going back and forth from ‘do I give up this impossible dream/desire I have, or do I trust God with my heart and my desires and believe for it?’ I would try to challenge myself, that if it was God’s will, he would make a way.
Well, not long ago, my husband came home with news of a raise and being put on salary. This is incredible news, and definitely an answer to prayer. So the talk of me staying home has become a more consistent thing. We decided to start planning for when that could happen. We need to get some stuff done in the house first, and pay off some bills. We figured maybe a couple of years. But the more we have talked the shorter the time has gotten. We finally somehow decided on May 2018. That is just 6 months away…
So here I am, continuing to challenge myself. My husband is sure we can do this. That yes, our way of living will have to change (goodbye target addiction), as our monthly income will change quite a bit, but it is something we can do. Honestly, this is a huge stretch for me. I know the only way to do this is to trust God. It is God who made this even a possibility, it is God who brought this opportunity, so it is God that I need to trust. It is so obvious but not so easy. It is a struggle. Sometimes I think finances are one of the hardest things to trust God for. And then all the doubt and fears of what if it actually is NOT God’s will for me to quit? What if it was actually God’s will to just give my family more money, even though being home with my kids had been so heavy on my heart?
Each time these fears and doubts creep in, God is so faithful to remind me of the desires of my heart and that if I delight myself in Him, He will give me those desires. I desire so strongly to stay home with my kids. I desire so strongly to be off on the weekends so my family can be involved in a church family together, and actually have time together. And I do believe whole heartedly that God desires these things for me as well.
So here I am, still in the midst of fears and doubts. Still struggling to hold on to the promises in the Word of God, but pushing myself to get there.
And I am going to continue to be raw and real with you in this journey. As a way for me to process what is going on, and also as a way to allow God to use my journey to maybe help or encourage someone else’s.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.