September 1, 2013. What a wonderful day. This sweet baby girl was born.
What a precious gift, and surprise. You see, Rienn was not a planned baby, but a surprise baby. I had just started dating the man who I am now married to a couple of months prior. [Insert judgmental gasps, and glaring eyes.] Kody and I started dating about a year after my ex-husband and I first split up. My previous relationship had not been a healthy one by any means, but even a year after splitting up with him, and a couple of months after meeting a great guy like Kody, I didn’t realize that yet. I was still stuck in the cycle of the control and narcissistic abuse. It took quite a while for me to realize what the relationship really was, and why I was stuck in it. Thankfully I got there, and have a husband who loved me through it. Anyway… back to the point.
While I was very much so not expecting to have this little girl when I did, I am so glad I did. But want to know the raw, real, heartbreaking emotions that were felt before getting to that point? I was terrified of course. Scared out of my mind that I was pregnant with a baby whose dad I didn’t know well enough to be having a baby with. I was devastated. I wanted more babies, just not now. Not in this confusing time of my life. I remember riding in the car to my first appointment, getting ready to find the heartbeat for the first time. I sat there staring out the window, hoping the heartbeat wouldn’t be found. Hoping they would say “false alarm, you aren’t pregnant after all.” As heartbreaking as it is to look back and know that I had those thoughts and feelings, it is the truth. And once I left that appointment, with the confirmation that I was in fact having a baby… I decided instead of working through these fears and feelings with Kody, I was going to run away from Kody and figure it out alone. I couldn’t face myself, or him, or anyone. Like I said, I hadn’t been set free or healed from my previous abusive relationship, and my ex-husband still had some control over my life. That was the first time I broke my current husbands heart.
Fast forward to when I was 20 weeks pregnant and finding out that the baby that was growing inside of me was a baby girl. And in that exact moment of finding that out, I got to the point of being happy. I was going to have another baby girl. I still had many fears. What if I don’t love her as much as my first-born? What if the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy, where I had wished I wasn’t pregnant, ruined my connection to her? What if she doesn’t love me because of that? But despite all of those fears, I was excited to be having her.
I grew a lot during this season, and God was definitely by my side the whole time, despite the fact that I made a lot of wrong choices. I am so thankful for that. I wish I would have taken the time to really heal from my first marriage at this point in life, rather than continuing to struggle through that for even longer. But I didn’t, and that is that. It breaks my heart that it took putting my kids through unnecessary pain, hurting my current husband even more, and getting to the lowest point in my life to finally have my eyes open to the situation I was in. But it in turn makes me so thankful for God’s grace, and that despite all of that, he has given me a hope and a future, and a wonderful husband that loves me despite the pain I put him through.
Fast forward to today, and as a family we celebrated this sweet, wonderful surprise on her fourth birthday.
I am so thankful for this middle child of mine. She reminds me so much of myself, even though she doesn’t look anything like me. She was a surprise to us, but a gift from God, who has a wonderful plan for her.
If you are going through something remotely similar or not similar at all even, and need someone to talk to or pray with you, or understand you, and not judge you… email me. I would be glad to share more of my story and be an open, understanding, and listening ear.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”