Today… was one of THOSE days. One of those parenting days where like… you cry a lot. Just warning you, I am going to just be raw and honest here. I mean… if you haven’t figured out that I am that way, you will here and now.
The day started pretty good. Everyone woke up pretty happy. It was when we picked the middle child (Rienn) up from school that crap hit the fan.
We were driving home from my daughters pre-school and my almost 8-year-old asked me to plug my phone in and play a specific song from Bethel Kids. I told her I wasn’t plugging my phone in because we were 2 minutes and 12 seconds from the house but I would be happy to turn the radio on. Well, go figure, K-Love just happened to be playing my favorite worship song at that exact moment. What perfect timing! Right?
NO. Wrong. Nothing in this grand world could have angered before mentioned almost eight-year-old more. Oh man. Charlie wanted the music OFF and she wanted it off NOW. Now… if she had said “hey mom, think you cold turn this off so we could talk?” I would have gladly obliged. But that isn’t what happened. Instead, what happened, was I was screamed and yelled at…for turning the radio on. This child asked for a specific song, I compromised by turning the radio on, and I am getting screamed at! She is screaming at the top of her blessed lungs that she hates me!
I just sat there shocked. I couldn’t believe we were experiencing this big of an outburst due to the fact that I played a soft worship song, that wasn’t the exact song she had asked for.
Well I happened to be going somewhere today with our homeschool co-op. My first thought was, nope. Not going. So I messaged a friend of mine to see if she would be able to take my middle child so that she didn’t have to miss out. Being the open person that I am, I explained what was going on with my friend.
At this point in the situation I have already been pretty emotional. Parenting is HARD, you guys. It is just plain HARD. During this conversation with my friend, I had stated that I didn’t know in this moment how to figure out the right consequence. She countered with basically asking if I had figured out the why. Why was this happening, what was it stemming from? And while I have often times gone there in the past, this particular instance I hadn’t initially gone there. I had gone to ‘what do I take away from her?’
As I sat there thinking about the why… WHY would she be so angry over something so small… I lost it. I just started crying. Because guess what? I DON’T KNOW. I have some ideas as to what it could be. But I don’t have a cut and dry answer. Which left me feeling like a terrible mom. Like I just am not cut out for this job. I don’t have the adequate tools and knowledge to parent these kids well. HALT! Those statements… are lies. Because, guess what? Yes, Charlie is my child. But she has just as many emotions as I do, and a different response to every situation. We are not the same person. We have different feelings and different emotions for different situations. There will be times that I don’t know why. But all it took was me reaching out to a friend who simply made a response to what I had said to her, and praying to God to give me answers.
I mean, I don’t have all the answers. I still don’t totally know how to handle this or similar situations. But I do know that when I ask, God gives me peace. And answers.
So this is to you, moms. For all the times you get screamed at by your kids that you love so much. For all the times you do not know what is going on. For all the times you have no idea how to give your child the appropriate consequences. For all the times you don’t know WHY your child is melting down…the root of the reason why. For all the times you feel not adequate, not right, like a terrible mom….. you are not alone. You are not alone in those feelings. But also, you are NOT a terrible mom. Parenting is HARD. Give yourself grace, mama. That’s what I am trying to learn to do.
At the end of the day, regardless of how hard it has been, my girls go to bed and I am overwhelmed with gratitude and love. How was I chosen to mother these beautiful girls? God really thought to give them to ME? That is amazing.. I am so blessed, and so lucky, and so full of love. Regardless of how hard today was, it has ended with me feeling thankful, blessed, and loved.
But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.